Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Where did I go?

I am lost or at least the person I used to be is lost. Not sure when it happened, not sure if that person just ceased to exist one day or ran away. My husband believes that person is still around but has been suppressed with the duties of motherhood.

My eldest child is about to turn 20. My youngest child is about to turn 4. Do you know that means that by the time my youngest reaches adulthood at 18 I will be working the job of caring for a minor child for 34 years. (sigh)

Ray and I were talking last night about what we are going to do with our income tax return. This year we actually don't NEED to spend it on anything, which has never happened before. This new person that I have become got all excited when Ray pulled up the Home Depot site and started talking about front loading washers. Who is this person? After about 5 minutes of blissfully thinking about that shiny RED EPIC CAPACITY front load (can get all the days laundry done in one load) washing machine, it dawned on my that I have changed so much from who I was 20 years ago and I started to cry.

Ray wasn't sure what to make of these tears. He knows me well enough to know that I do cry when I am happy but even he couldn't be sure why the tears were coming this time, I mean who cries over a washing machine.

Twenty years ago I would have been dreaming of spending the money on a new spring wardrobe, a summer trip to the beach, a day at the spa, BUT not a washing machine. WHO IS THIS PERSON I HAVE BECOME?

Being the awesome husband he is, he pulled me into his arms and said, you want to plan a weekend away without the kids TOO? GOD I love him.

So now I am going to actively search for the person I used to be, but how? Can I put her face on a milk carton, put up flyers, offer a reward? Why has being a mother for 20 years changed who I am so much? Does this happen to every woman or just to me? How do you find someone that you didn't know was lost and you have no idea how long they have been gone?

~Just Me


  1. Just got caught up on several of your blogs. I don't know how you do it Wendy. You are one terrific woman! A woman with many hats. I pray your family is feeling better now. Nasty bug going around. Love and hugs to you.

  2. Life is a journey, ever going forward, never going back. That woman you were twenty years ago it still there with you. She has simply become the woman you are now, equipped to deal with the things at hand. In another 20 years when your children have gone their own ways there will be things others than shiny red epic capacity front loaders that bring tears to your eyes.

    Peace Quiet

  3. I agree with Anonymous. You are what you need to be right now and will continue to change into what you are still yet to become. If you look back 20 years ago, you will find that tho you don't have the same desires (that spring wardrobe for example), you've learned to put the needs of the family before your own, you have become a better mother and wife, and I doubt you would be willing to give it up. Just enjoy who you've become, I sure your family does :).

  4. Try being a mother for almost 40 years! At this time of the year, my biggest challenge isn't deciding how to spend a refund, it's deciding how to find the money to PAY for the taxes we owe. I think I'll cry too...

    Seriously, I'm sure you're a better person now than you ever were before. You haven't lost anything-you've just added more to the person you ARE!!