Saturday, May 2, 2009

Blood and water

I never did understand the saying "blood is thicker then water". I know what it is supposed to mean - You let those that are blood related to you do things to you that you wouldn't allow anyone else do. What I don't understand is WHY?

I have asked this question a lot of times to many different people and I have yet to get an answer that I can wrap myself around.

I don't know, maybe I am a freak or maybe my blood is thinner then water, but if someone betrays me I don't care if they are related or not. I have a few friends that I would give my life for and some relatives that I would stand by and watch drown. Harsh I know.

A very good friend of mine grew up in an abusive house. His father beat him almost on a daily basis. His father is still verbally abusive to him and to his children, yet he is compelled to have a relationship with this man "because he is my father". Why does this make a difference. What if he suddenly found out that this man was not really his biological father? Would this give him the permission to end the relationship?

I know of a woman who had no children of her own and then married into a ready made family. Her husband is wonderful and had custody of his children because their mother was incapable of being a mother. She was neglectful to the children ran around with many men and as a result they developed emotional issues. The step mom stepped in and took on the role of Mom. Put her whole life on hold for these children, poured her whole heart and sole into them and then bio-mom walks back into the picture to "try" to me a good mom after 6 years and the kids all but forget the step moms name. WHY? The bio-mom never sat up at 3 am with a throw up bucket in hand, got up at 4 am to bake those cupcakes for that last minute bake sale, hosted the birthday parties and sleep overs. But just because she shares some DNA with these children she is automatically given a a free pass. WHY?

This is a serious question. I really want to know why if you believe that you share DNA with someone they are given a licence to hurt you and you feel compelled to forgive them when a friend is held to a much higher standard.

~Just Me


  1. I always thought that saying meant that we would *do* more for those related by blood, not that we would endure more *from* those related by blood.

    I think there's a fantasy about blood, which would explain why those children abandoned their stepmother. We *want* those related to us to be what we dream of. I think you're right, though, with regard to the man with the abusive father. I have a girlfriend whose mother was and is abusive, and she simply keeps the woman at arm's length. She hasn't cut her off completely, but she lives 100 miles away and doesn't visit her mother. She'll call, occasionally, but she feels no obligation to bare her back as whipping girl again. I don't have any idea why those who have been abused choose not to cut ties. Hope that the abuser will change? Hope that maybe, someday, they will get what they actually need from the abuser? I can't say.

  2. Abuse is different than "putting up" with behavior that we might not like or appreciate.

    Abuse is a control issue and the person who's abused is often of the opinion that they aren't "good enough" or they "deserve it". It's a mental health issue and if they allow it to continue, it's often because they don't know how to change things. Abused wives are told so often how awful they are, many begin to believe it.

    But if you're talking about the behavior of family members, then it's really something different. As you get older, you realize that often, your family is all you have to count on. Words said in anger, or actions that hurt can, and often should be forgiven-perhaps with some discussion as to why it happened. Sometimes, you just have to overlook it and realize that as you age, your sisters or brothers are really all you have. Friends ome and go, family is here to stay, and having "lost" one brother due to HIS anger, I know how important it is to mend those fences before it's too late. In my case, it was too late. My brother died before anyone really found out why he was so angry at the world, although we made some educated guesses.

    Children want acceptance-if the step-mom is there when they're needed, it's all well and good. If mom shows up to "take over", the kids WANT her to want them and will often want that love they feel they've missed. As kids get older, they often see what step-mom was all about and the dynamics of the family change again. Young children WANT their mom (or dad) to be that perfect parent...they really don't understand the why's and because's.

    Adult dynamics can be completely different. You can see the parent as an adult and make adult choices as to whether you want to continue that relationship. I know many adult women who allow their mothers to verbally abuse them, and in some cases, they feel they deserve it. It's the control issue again. It's really sad that some children and parents grow apart.

    No one ever has the "right" to hurt or abuse another person. Some people allow it because they don't know any better or simply don't know how to change it.